


Pre Mortem

by AnneGee



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst and Drama, Bickering, Bisexual Character, Bisexual Male Character, Co-workers, Crying, Death, Dominant Asra (The Arcana), Dominant Julian Devorak, Drama, Drama & Romance, Drunk Sex, Drunken Confessions, Drunken Flirting, Drunkenness, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Sex, Eventual Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Female Apprentice (The Arcana), Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Heartbreak, Human Disaster Julian Devorak, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Jealousy, Julian Devorak's Route, Kissing, Lemon, Love, Love Confessions, Male Pronouns for Asra (The Arcana), Miscommunication, NSFW Art, Named Apprentice (The Arcana), Nipple Licking, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Relationship, Oral Sex, Outdoor Sex, Past Apprentice/Asra (The Arcana), Penis In Vagina Sex, Polyamorous Character, Polygamy, Porn, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Red Plague (The Arcana), References to Depression, Regret, Resolved Sexual Tension, Rough Kissing, Semi-Public Sex, Sex, Sexual Content, Sexual Fantasy, Sexual Tension, Smut, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:14:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23775928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnneGee/pseuds/AnneGee
Summary: This story starts out when Julian and the apprentice first meet, and is my take on how their relationship might have unfolded prior to the storyline of the official Arcana novel. Inconsistency might occur, and should be ignored, just because I say so.
Relationships: Apprentice & Asra (The Arcana), Apprentice & Julian Devorak, Apprentice/Asra (The Arcana), Apprentice/Julian Devorak, Asra/Julian Devorak, Julian Devorak/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 50





	1. The lovers

**Author's Note:**

> Please don’t mind my English, as I’m not a native English speaker.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saghira meets Julian for the first time, and they turn out to have a common attachment to a certain magician.

The Countess carefully opened the massive library door, and still it made a loud, squeaky sound. “Meet the house Doctor and your future mentor, Julian Devorak.” Her low voice implied that one should not disturb the doctor too easily. It made Saghira a bit uncomfortable. The doctor sat hunched over the desk, taking his time to finish a note without as much as raising a brow despite their unsubtle entrance. But as soon as he was done he turned his head their way and took a moment to study them.

He was quite a character; pale skin and hollowed cheeks, distinct dark brows and big lidded eyes, as if he couldn’t be less interested. His thick, wavy auburn hair looked like something he had given up on taming.

The countess entered the room, swinging her large silk skirts, introducing them to each other in a slightly obsequious manner: “My dear Doctor Jules, please welcome your very much awaited and remarkably wise and pleasant apprentice, Saghira. I think you two will fit each other like hand in glove.”

Saghira felt her face go warm from the embarrassing introduction.

Doctor Jules was clearly a bit puzzled by the introduction himself, and for a brief moment Saghira swore she spotted a tiny sign of amusement on the ever so unimpressed face of his. He got up and revealed his tall and lanky form, reaching out a hand to her.

“Yes. Yes, of course. Delighted to meet you, miss...?”

“Please just call me Saghira, or even Hira. Pleasure is mine.”

Julian kissed her hand and studied her face for a second before he finally smiled heartfelt and answered. “Please call me Julian.”

Nadia clapped her hands together. “Wonderful! This is turning out so well, I can already tell.”

Julian’s smile vanished as quickly as it appeared as he turned and sat back down.

“Nothing would please me more,” he answered tiredly, and Saghira immediately picked up on an unsettling hint of doubt.

“So,” Nadia ignorantly continued, “lunch at noon, and until then you’re in the perfect hands of Doctor Jules, Hira. Make sure to keep up! He’s always on to new ideas, and he never sleeps.” Nadia giggled, while Julian was clearly still not amused.

An uncomfortable silence filled the room, and Saghira quickly interrupted it.

“I’m sure we’ll figure out a good strategy between us. I’m very determined to learn and I have the outmost respect for the task. I’m very honoured to have this privilege.”

Nadia seemed to have run out of superlatives and praises. “Well then, I’ll leave you to it.” She gave them a short nod, and Saghira curtsied in return.

“Thank you, Countess,” Julian mumbled without even getting up. They were clearly on friendlier terms than Saghira had expected at a palace.

Nadia left the room, and Saghira looked up and around the huge atrium. The room was filled to the brim with books over two floors. A huge candelabra was hanging from the centre of the ceiling. The smell of old books and oak was distinct and strong.

“So, Saghira, I... I’m not sure how familiar you are with medical science, but I understand that your background suggests you’re not totally unknown to remedies and healing.”

Julian was looking at her from his chair, legs crossed and with his head resting on one fist.

Saghira smiled friendly. “That’s correct. I’m a magician. I inherited my aunt’s shop two years ago, and I’ve run it ever since.” Saghira leaned on a bookshelf behind her. “I’m used to making different remedies from herbs and other ingredients.”

“That’s... what I heard,” Julian said, as if he wanted to add something.

He then shifted in his chair, and without looking at her he continued. “I think we have a common acquaintance within the business.”

Saghira thought she heard a bit of grudge in his voice, but she pretended to be ignorant of it. “Oh really? Who would this be?”

Julian looked at her with piercing eyes. “Asra Alnazar. I believe you share household?”

Saghira took a moment to analyse this clarifying piece of information. But what were his implications exactly?

“Ah, right. Yes. Well. We used to. Until now.”

Julian kept her gaze and it seemed like he waiting for more answers.

“He’s probably the one running the shop right now,” Saghira elaborated.

“But you’re still... together?” Julian sounded investigatory, but he had turned his gaze to his own hands now.

“I... It’s... complicated. If you don’t mind, Doctor. I believe this is a personal matter...” Saghira felt invaded and provoked by Julian’s questions, and it felt good to put an end to them. She might have become his apprentice, but she wouldn’t be treated disrespectfully.

Julian’s face turned a deep red, and his arrogant expression faltered within a split second.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled and drew a deep breath. “Yes, you’re right. So sorry. I... It’s absolutely none of my business. Beg your pardon.”

He was still plucking his fingers nervously, flushed and with his thick brows knitted.

With a satisfying feeling of personal victory, Saghira, accepted his pardon, and continued inspecting the impressive collection of books by moving along the never ending rows of book shelves. Maybe she should cut him some slack from here on. She didn’t want to get off to a bad start.

“Although I’m familiar with mixing cures, I do understand that medicine is a different trade than mine. What I hope for is that my experience can add something to your experience, and vice versa. Maybe we can stop the plague that way - together.”

She looked at him again, and he was following her interestingly with his silver gaze.

“Don’t you agree?” she continued.

Julian still looked insecure but also reluctant to speak his mind.

“Tell you the truth, Saghira, I’m not... that... familiar with your trade. I don’t know what to expect. Believe me, if you can help me figure this disease out, I’ll be forever in debt to you. As will the whole town. But I don’t expect it. I have worked on a cure for almost a year, and I still haven’t reached a single, certain conclusion.” He rubbed his face with one hand, troubled by his own words. Then he sighed and got back up on his feet again only to sit on his desk, arms crossed over his broad chest. Once again she was impressed with his height.

“I’m sorry, Saghira. I know I’m a drag talking to. Please don’t let me discourage you. I _am_ grateful. I really am. That you... you know...” He seemed to fall into thoughts again.

“How is Asra, anyway? If you don’t mind me asking. Or... Just if...” Julian probably knew he was pushing his limits. He blushed again.

Saghira smiled disarmingly at him, glad he sort of neutralised the subject.

“He’s fine. I think. You know, he’s living his life. Never telling anyone where he’s been or where he’s going. Free like the wind.”

Julian actually smiled a bashful, charming smile and shook his head. “Yeah. Just like I figured.”

Saghira was suddenly dying to ask Julian similar versions of his previous questions, but she had a feeling she had lost the right to.

“Have you... known him for a long time?” she dared ask him anyway.

Julian was weighing his words. “I’ve... known him for... No, just a short while, really. We used to be close I guess. I haven’t kept in touch over the last year or so though. As you said; it got complicated.”

Julian looked at Saghira with an insecure, apologetic smirk, and it inflicted an unwelcome sting of jealousy in her.

This was just what had troubled her. Asra had turned impossible to relate to with time. While he constantly was out travelling, hungry for new adventures, new acquaintances and lovers, she on the other hand had always sought her place in life, her purpose, her soulmate. To avoid dealing with these difficult conflicts of interests, they had started to live separate lives within their relationship.

It was now pretty evident to her that Julian had been one of Asra’s several mysterious lovers, during their relationship. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise to her, but it stung anyway.

She turned away from Julian to hide her sudden emotional struggle.

It annoyed her to the bone that Asra still kept this extended power over her. Especially now that she finally felt energised, liberated and independent again.

Asra had been quite arrogant before she left him. He was anything but convinced by her choice to learn medicine and help doctor Devorak in the fight against the plague. Come to think of it now, this could perhaps be due to other things than his contempt for medical science and objections to her taking unnecessary health risks. What if it was actually Julian who represented the biggest issue for him?

_She could still vision Asra two days ago, when they last spoke. He had been giving her the silent treatment for almost a week. The look on his face when she had peacefully packed her travel bag, left almost all her belongings behind and finally told him that she loved him dearly, that she wished him all the best in life, but that she had finally realised that she felt like a bird in a birdcage. A bird that he had happened to capture on one of his trips, to keep as a beautiful prop. A souvenir from a memorable journey. One of many._

_“This isn’t healthy for me, Asra,” she had tearfully told him. “I used to be a searching soul; creative, outgoing and adventurous. I’m reduced to this shapeless paste of a human being, waiting around for someone to make use of me, highly conformable, but with no real substance. I’m like a paper boat on a river, and that river is you, Asra. Always running free, sometimes slow and sedate and sometimes fiercely wild. I’m just helplessly floating along without a purpose.” He had first looked regretful. Surprisingly humble. And yet he had finally shrugged at her with a strained face, and told her that it was her call to make herself happy. And those words had been such a blessing, because it made her decision to leave so much easier._

_She hadn’t even kissed him goodbye. But she had smiled heartedly at him and told him not to worry. She would return safe and sound one day, happy and richer in spirit. That she trusted he would do whatever he thought was for the best with the shop, and that she wouldn’t be upset if he wasn’t there when she got back. They were after all both free now._

_Asra had looked at his most emotional at that point. Maybe he had finally dwelled on the fact that he had always considered himself free, but granting her the same privilege seemed hard to accept. Anyway, he hadn’t said anything other than: “I won’t stop you from anything, Hira. I never have. Safe journey.”_

Saghira traced the spines of books absentmindedly along the shelves. 

“Well, I guess he’s just incorrigibly,” Saghira sighed pensively. There was a thick lump in her throat.

For whatever reason, Julian suddenly opened his heart to her: “I’m actually really grateful and happy you’re here, Saghira,” he said in a soft voice. “I think just your presence here will do me good. I... I need someone to keep me... afloat... when this unruly stream of a plague if threatening to drag me under.”

She turned surprised to look at him, and his big stunning eyes looked both sincere and sad.

“I know just the feeling,” she replied. “Let’s keep each other afloat.” A smile of gratitude spread on her face and a jolt of hope and happiness through her body.


	2. The chariot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saghira gets to know Julian a little better, and gets confused by a sudden attraction.

After a bad night’s sleep, Saghira had decided to just give up the pursuit of rest and get to work early instead. Frankly she was childishly excited about getting to work nowadays. Working with Julian had turned out surprisingly easy and inspiring. He was not at all as serious and moody as she had first thought. They had split different tasks between them naturally, with no further discussions, and so far they seemed to have mutual trust and respect. When called out to patients, he would take the lead, and Saghira would assist. If she had ideas, he would willingly let her try them out, holding no grudges if they didn’t work out as planned. So far, none of them had, but as Julian had pointed out to her: “At least you gave them hope and relief until the end, Hira. That’s the next best thing.” 

As tough as this part of the job was, it most of all inspired her to continue. She did feel like she had to drag Julian out of depressive thoughts sometimes, especially after losing children, but he was professional in the sense that he didn’t show much feelings until they got back to the Palace. Those times he would usually go silent and pensive, and then withdraw to the mortuary in the Palace basement to work with Quaestor Valdemar and their crew, while urging Saghira to continue her studies at the library. She had a feeling he wanted to shelter her from certain aspects of his profession, and she respected that. Valdemar was an unpleasant being, and she was pretty sure she wouldn’t find the answers she was looking for during an autopsy anyway.

Generally, Julian would study the source, the spread and the nature of the disease, while Saghira was focusing more on possible treatments. Not that these were separate things, but Julian shared all his discoveries and ideas with her and it worked quite well that way. She already had a thesis she wanted to test, which was probably part of the reason why she’d slept bad. 

Staying at the Palace for as long as she was in this position, at least made it effortless to get to work. She had occasionally missed Asra’s company at night, but on the other hand working hours had gotten so much more intriguing. Usually she and Julian would work late, and she’d be so tired by the time she got to bed, she could hardly remember thinking a single thought before she fell asleep. And yet starting over the next day felt as thrilling as the day before. 

Julian would sometimes give her a glance that said he wasn’t equally thrilled after a yearlong struggle with the plague, but at least he seemed to value her enthusiasm. He would shake his head and smile to himself, and sometimes even imitate her sarcastically, when the excitement got the better of her - to great entertainment for them both. Saghira smiled just thinking about it. How lucky she was to be tutored by such a dedicated, supportive and humorous person. He really felt almost like a friend as much as a mentor by now. 

Saghira got to the library within minutes from when she left her room. She had skipped breakfast since it was too early to get anything from the Palace kitchen anyway.

She opened the door and startled by the sight of Julian in the dark, still sitting in his chair, but lying with his long torso across the desktop. He had obviously fallen asleep over work sometime during the night.  


It worried her quite a bit that he never seemed to take time off work. He never seemed to go home, or meet anyone outside the Palace. Although she avoided asking him personal questions, she figured he probably had no family or friends near by. He had to be forced to take time off just to eat properly. Coffee and the occasional stronger beverage seemed to be his main nourishment. The toll was evident on his face, but the giant sweetheart hardly ever complained.

“Julian?” She touched one of his large shoulders. His hair were covering part of his face, but she could spot his long, dark lashes resting against his pale skin between the unruly curls. His bare arms were propped around his head, his large hands resting against the worn desktop. His back was heaving slowly, to the sound of deep breathing. It occurred to her that he perhaps had better sleep for as long as he could despite the uncomfortable position.  


She continued studying his linen draped back. Through the fabric, she could trace his defined muscles running along the spine down to his narrow lower back, and she felt a sudden eagerness to touch them, caress the skin. For a second she even imagined the firmness and heat of his back against her naked abdomen. She felt her groin throb.

Goodness, what was wrong with her? Way to embarrass oneself... Was she going insane from lack of physical intimacy? She thought about Asra, and realised she didn’t really miss him that way. She had sometimes missed his cuddles, their silly conversations and how he always took care of her. And although the lovemaking usually had been perfectly sweet and wonderful, he wouldn’t have helped right now. She felt plain horny out of the blue. What she wouldn’t give for some simple, heated, dirty sex as she imagined only Julian could offer. She visualised his hot mouth all over her, his big, eager hands clutching her, searching for her sweet spots, slipping his long fingers into her. His erected member sticking out of his pants. His deep groans and moans stirring her on until she helplessly would ground herself against him, just any part of him, into extacy. And of course he would smile his usual skewed smile at her, teasing her for not being able to control herself. Of course he would. 

Saghira swallowed, painfully aware she was already wet and ready – except sleeping beauty here had no idea what he had just done to her, and luckily never would.  


Sheturned and walked over to her own desk, covering her hot face with one hand to collect herself, get over her shameful daydreaming. For gods sake, that had to be the first and last time she was this unprofessional.

She put her books down, and went over to the stove to make coffee. Still cringing over her own fantasy, she cast another stolen glance at the sleeping doctor, and was happily back to nothing but good old fashioned sympathy for him. He would be grateful to have a cup of coffee when he woke up. Nothing had happened between them after all, and everything would be back normal once he sat there with a cup in his hand discussing her new theory.

  
***

Julian woke up about an hour later, slowly turning his head towards her. Then he sat up in an instant, confused and with a sleepy face. “Hira?” he whispered hoarsely. “Why’re you here?”

“Um, I got this really exciting new job a few weeks ago...” She bit her lip not to chuckle. Silence followed.

“What time is it?” he asked, still in a raspy voice.

“It’s... early,” Saghira answered. There was a big grandfather clock in the corner of the room. It said seventeen minutes past six.

Julian laid down on the desk again and turned his face away from her. “I... Sorry. It’s... I don’t know what happened. I guess I fell asleep last night.”

The embarrassment in Julian’s voice made Saghira get up immediately to offer him coffee in a light and friendly tone. This wasn’t the time to rub his unconventional lifestyle in his face. 

He sat up and thankfully accepted the cup, hair in an even messier state than usual. He was squinting at her with the most tired face, and she still had a hard time trying not to laugh. He was adorable beyond anything she had ever seen - at least of something his size.

“You probably want to get home afterwards and clean up? Maybe get some more rest?” She was curious to hear his response, as she had never experienced him actually leave work before her.

“No, no,” he mumbled. “As of now I dispose a room here at the Palace. I’ll just go there, do my usual morning routine and get back here. I’ll be okay.”

He didn’t seem okay though. His voice was more serious than usual. He wouldn’t look at her. To Saghira’s distress, something was clearly bothering him.

“You’ll do that, and afterwards I’ll present you to my latest theory. I think I might be on to something,” Saghira said cheerfully, pretending to be unaffected by his gloomy appearance.

About to leave the room, he looked at her either tired or sad, and then down at his feet for a second to think. His black jacket was bundled in one hand, his white shirt open down below his solar plexus, revealing a muscled chest with dark hairs sprinkled across it and further down into his sash. Attractive as he was, he was undoubtedly not presentable as the Palace doctor. He was a mess.

Finally he forced a brave smile at Saghira. “Good. I look forward to that,” he said very unconvincing. “See you in a while.” He left quietly with his messy head low.


	3. Salty Bitters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saghira and Julian finally find an opportunity to take some time off. Unfortunately, what starts out as a good time eventually disrupts the balance between them.

_ Julian had soon after returned to the library looking a little fresher and brighter than when he left. He was quieter than usual though, and he went almost completely mute after they again brutally lost a young patient that deceased from a quickly escalating fever after a very short disease course. The bloodshot eyes in the young boy’s gaping, unresponsive, glistening face would probably haunt her too for the rest of her life._

_Yet when they got back to the Palace, Julian had surprisingly **not**_ escaped _downstairs to join Valdemar, but followed Saghira to the library, listened attentively to her ideas and modestly supported them. He encouraged her to go on with her further testing, keeping a few extra considerations at mind. It was more than she had hoped for after a rough day in the field._

Back at her desk, later that afternoon, Saghira kept thinking back to the first day when they had agreed on keeping each other “afloat”. She couldn’t help but wonder if Julian was about to sink into something more severe than what she had witnessed so far. She cast a glance at him across the room, where he sat concentrated at his desk, writing reports. He looked tired.

Impulsively she popped him a question: “Why don’t we go out tonight, Julian? Somewhere we can listen to music, meet some nice people, get some distraction - from this.” 

Julian looked surprised at her and slowly sat up with a frown, his eyes pensively darting around aimlessly.  
  


“There’s a plague out there, Saghira,” he eventually answered in a soft voice. “I doubt there’s people, let alone music, to be found anywhere these days.” 

Saghira cocked her head. “I bet we can find some if we stroll down to the darker side of town,” she grinned suggestively.

Julian chuckled. “And how would that look? The Palace Doctor and his young apprentice at some filthy place mingling with all the drunks and slobs during a plague?” He was as usual amused by her idea, but clearly far from convinced.

“Come on! Who cares? It’s just to get out of this... cage. It’s nice and all, but you tend to forget there’s a word outside. We don’t have to mingle with others. Let’s just observe, have a drink, get some new impulses.”

“Maybe we’ll miraculously stumble across a cure while we’re at it? There should be some genuinely immortal specimens we could study at South-End,” Julian widened his eyes humorously. 

Saghira giggled, shaking her head at him. “No, silly! Let’s forget all about studies and the bloody cure! Forget about the plague. Let’s just be regular... slobby Vesuvians for once. Let’s have some fun!”

She got up, leaped over to his desk and playfully tugged on his upper arm. “Please, Julian,” she pleaded in a playful, whining voice. “You need a distraction, I need a distraction. This work can wait.”

More intrigued by the idea than he probably wanted to admit, Julian couldn’t hide a smile. He looked at her, bit his lip, sighed and then looked at his papers.

“Alright then. But don’t expect me to stay there for too long.”

***

The stroll through the Palace garden and further across the quiet town felt like balm for the soul, and they could probably have been content with just that short walk, before happily returning to the Palace. But then they finally stumbled across a place which did actually have both guests and music. It was called The Rowdy Tavern. Saghira had to practically drag Julian behind her up the stairs. “It’ll be fun! I promise!”

Julian was still not convinced, but once he was inside, he at least offered to buy her a drink. 

“Something sweet and sticky!” She ordered, beaming with anticipation. Julian shook his head at her as usual, and headed over to the barkeep.

Meanwhile Saghira watched the musicians and the small crowd of guests sing and play a ludicrous drinking song. She couldn’t help tapping her foot to the beat, grinning from ear to ear. Most of these people looked poor, some even sick or injured, but they sure knew how to have their share of fun, keep their hopes and spirits up.

Julian returned and led them to a vacant booth, a quieter and less crowded spot in the corner. He had bought her some fancy drink decorated with fruits on the brim of a green glass. He himself had decided on something thick and dark in a shot glass. It was called a “Salty Bitter”. A very appropriate name, Saghira could confirm with a cold shiver. 

“I used to serve as a doctor on a pirate ship before I ended up here,” Julian said, and he almost seemed a little proud. “We used to drink this - a lot.” Something in Julian’s face gave Saghira the impression his thoughts immediately drifted off to happier times. 

She encouraged him to tell her more about it, and once he started, it was like an endless chain of fun and adventurous tales getting pulled out of a treasure chest. 

Julian got more and more engaged as he went on, gesticulating, laughing, getting up to demonstrate – and buying more drinks for them. Saghira could no longer deny an increasing feeling of bittersweet affection for him. 

This was probably the Julian he had used to be, the Julian that was slowly slipping away under the relentless pressure of work. No wonder Asra had been attracted to him. This was just the kind of lover Asra would want. Someone fun, lively and outgoing - like herself.

She was overwhelmed by a sudden sadness for whatever reason, and looked down as she could feel her eyes stinging. Good grief, she should stop drinking before she got pathetic. What had gotten into her?

“Damn, Hira, tell you what. Why don’t we join the group and dance? Please, sweetheart. Just one dance.” Julian was standing up, reaching out his hand to her, begging her with the most adorable sparkling, drunken eyes. 

Saghira blushed and smiled. “Of course we should,” she said and got up. “I’d love to!”

She took his hand and he took the lead, filled with confidence and energy. Gosh, he was almost too tall for her, but he didn’t seem to be bothered. He moved her around effortlessly and natural, as if they’d done this a thousand times before. Then he playfully grabbed her and lifted her up to sit across his hips, and he continued dancing as before. At first the sudden intimacy felt a little awkward, his hands on her bum and thighs, her private parts against his stomach, their faces just inches apart, but he was so into the fun of it, she realised there _was_ no hidden agenda. She let go of the brief mistrust and laughed along with him, holding on to his neck to avoid falling off. The crowd laughed too and clapped their hands.

At the end of the song he bowed with Saghira still hanging from his neck, and her head almost touched the ground. People cheered for them as the music stopped.

Getting back down on her feet Saghira was almost too dizzy to stand. “My goodness, you can dance,” she sighed overwhelmed and exhausted.

“Oh well, it’s been too long. I can tell. A refill?” Julian’s hot, sweaty, freckled face, practically glowed like the sun, looking down at her. He ran a hand through his sweaty hair to get it off his face.

Saghira instantly felt exposed and fragile locking eyes with him. She was already beyond tipsy, and if Julian didn’t stop drinking now he would get drunk. He was so beautiful and radiant though, and she felt lovesick by the sight of him. What if the fantasy she had this morning was not a fantasy, but a prediction? 

“No, thank you,” she answered short, almost dismissive. Julian raised his brows at her, and with a wry grin he bent down to softly mumbled into her ear, his lips gracing her cheek unintentionally. “Look who’s the responsible grown up now.” The smell of alcohol from his breath was strong, but it only made her want to kiss him, no, taste him - desperately. He stood up tall again, looking down at her through teasing, lidded eyes, licking and biting his lip. 

Saghira’s stalled response made the tension inside her rise to the point of a slight panic. Wet hair sticking to Julian’s flushed, moist, happy face was all she could focus on. She’d never seen him smile like this, and it was absolutely breathtaking. 

She tried to smile back at his joke, but it probably looked more like a shivering grimace. 

It seemed like Julian just now became aware of the struggle she dealt with, and his cocky smile quickly fainted. He studied her face curiously, with a serious look. Absolutely lost for words she turned her gaze down.  


  
  
What if she just straight out told him what was on her mind. How bad could it be? What if she just admitted she adored him, that he made her happy, that she probably liked him a little bit too much? Would it really matter?

Yes, it would, she concluded. She knew it could possibly cause her to lose her job, making sure she would have nothing more to do with Julian. Asra would be unbearable if she had to crawl back to him with such news.

To make matters worse Julian reached out to straighten a straying strand of hair on her face, and he swallowed.    
  


“No, you’re right,” he said in a thick voice. “Let’s... call it a day.” His eyes were continuously investigating her face with a slight, worried frown.

She studied him to see if she could spot her own feelings reflected in Julian’s eyes, but there was no way of telling what went through his mind.

“Yes,” she nearly whispered. ”Let’s call it a day.” 

He nodded briefly before returning to the booth to pick up their coats.

***

Outside the fog had made the air cold and damp. Julian politely wrapped Saghira’s coat around her and buttoned it for her, the proximity once again making her both happy and scared. He cast a quick glance at her face while getting her dressed, probably to check if she was okay. To her distress, she just knew he could tell she wasn’t. 

“Are you okay, Hira?” he asked in a low, insecure voice. “Did I... do... or say... anything inappropriate in there?”

He could just as well have stabbed her in the heart with those eyes. “No, Julian, not at all. I...” She sighed and tried to smile at him. “I’m just drunk.”

He smiled back, relieved and amused. He cradled the back of her head and pulled her into his chest, kissing the crown of her head. “Good,” he giggled, “that makes two of us.”

She dared to face him, and she swore to the gods he was going to kill her with his good looks. He carefully lifter her chin up with a finger to have a better look at her, as if she was his patient. 

“Yup, drunk as a little skunk, he chuckled. She finally laughed, melting into his embrace, and the next thing she knew she was clinging to his torso burying her face into his chest, taking in his body heat and smell as another lunatic. Her fingertips tentatively felt their way over his chest, before running further down his firm and defined abdomen. The only thing that could save her from utter embarrassment now was Julian’s acceptance. He gave it by holding on to her, stroking and smelling her hair. The returned affection gave her stomach flutters.

“I do like you, Hira,” Julian whispered. “More than you know.” 

She looked up at him, shocked at the unexpected confession, not knowing what would come next. His tone of voice didn’t sound too promising for some reason.

“It’s just that... you know. I...” he lost his balance slightly, and backed off a step or two. “My position... Your position. It’s just not... Ah, I don’t know...” He avoided her confrontational stare, while gesturing senselessly into the air. “Then there’s Asra...”

Saghira felt her heart beating frantically in her throat. This subtle and slowly emerging rejection, which sounded far more like a bad excuse to her, felt like a burning whip lash to her face. 

She let her hand go of his black jacket. “Ah, to hell with this, Julian. Forget it!” She marched past him and crestfallen went on speed walking ahead of him up the dark, stony ally. She had to get away from him. 

The shame! She knew she should have laid off him. She knew it! Her face was hot, her throat painfully obstructed. Why couldn’t she have just stuck to her plan for once? And how could Asra still interfere with her life? This fatal mistake was going to ruin what had meant everything to her after she left Asra to find herself. She started running as despair and grief replaced the anger.

She startled by Julian’s hand firmly grabbing her shoulder, almost tripping her over. Of course, she couldn’t run from those damn legs of his even if her life depended on it.

“Hira! Hira, please! I’m sorry. Don’t run away from me. Please sweetheart, let’s talk.”

He stopped her physically with both hands, but she sure as hell wouldn’t look at him again. She had tears coming out of her nose as well of her eyes by now. She couldn’t bear more humiliation for one night. Trying hard to hide her emotions, she held her breath to stop it from hitching, and dried her face with a swift move of the back of her hand.

“That was stupid of me. I’m sorry, Hira. I shouldn’t have brought him up, love.”

She still kept her stare locked at her feet. Sniffing and breathing irregularly.

“Oh boy, I suck at this,” he continued. “Can I hold you a little while, Hira. Just a little bit. Please?”

He carefully placed his arms around her neck and shoulders to test his luck. She felt his head resting on top of hers, his alcohol scented breath close to her ear. She even felt his racing puls against her cheek. It didn’t help her mellow one bit, as the hurt inside only increased.

“You don’t want to get attached to me, Hira. Believe me. I’m not good at relationships. I drive people crazy.”

She was listening, feeling slightly encouraged by his self critical words, although it still sounded like stupid, condescending excuses and they stung like acid. Anger was once again building inside her. Why couldn’t he just let go, let her leave? She had gotten the hint by now. He could be certain she would never repeat this mistake again.

He continued. “I meant what I said though: I like you - a lot. Probably too much for a mentor, but anyways... You make my days brighter. Like just now at the tavern. I haven’t had fun like that in... months. No, years! And even at work. I’m so happy every time you walk in the room, you have no idea! I sit and wait for you every morning, knowing it’s the highlight of my day. And I equally hate it when you leave. I hope I won’t lose you over this silly thing.”

Her tears had finally stopped, and Saghira looked up to check the sincerity in his face, bitter about what she suspected was an attempt at sugarcoating the message.

All she saw was reflected sadness, as she looked up at him with swollen, red eyes.

“Oh, no. Please, Hira,” he whispered. “Why are you crying?”

She looked upset, almost outraged at him, feeling her lip trembling.

“I’m sick of being rejected!” she said with an angry, shaky voice. “I’m sick of double communication and manipulation and being taken for granted.” Her voice was cracking. “How come I’m so terrible to be committed to? You know what, Julian, forget this whole thing happened. This is the work of your disgusting Salty Bitters. Let’s be professional. Tomorrow we pretend this never happened and we’re colleagues like before. I’m happy, you’re happy, everything is hunky dory.”

She forced herself out of his grip, and walked on, Julian following closely without saying a word – which suited her just fine. Bed! It was the only thing she longed for. That, and being done with this disastrous day.


	4. An uninvited guest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saghira gets emotionally confused by a visitor at the Palace.

Weeks had gone by without them ever mentioning the night at the Rowdy Tavern again. The first days of working together after their disagreement, had been just as painful as Saghira had expected. They had stayed quiet for most of the time, and when not; professional and sickly polite. Julian had actually seemed less depressed, making an effort to cheer her up and encourage her. Even when her test cure failed miserably, he pretended to be more surprised and disappointed than her. But again, that felt like fake politeness now, or even manipulation, to make her forget her disastrous attempt at seducing him.

By late summer things had gone back to normal though, and Saghira had to admit they were more harmonious and closer than ever before. Julian spent less time with Valdemar’s crew, and Saghira would sometimes, despite her resentment towards Valdemar, join Julian in the basement to watch him do blood experiments in hope of solving more questions surrounding the plague. They had started eating their meals together outside in the garden as a routine. Julian looked healthier, and he had even befriended a wild raven he called Malek. He would feed it and talk to it in his native tongue, and they seemed to have this amazing, genuine understanding. The bird would sometimes sit and wait for him to open the library window when it wanted to socialise, or even follow them out on patient calls.

To Saghira’s despair, her feelings for Julian just wouldn’t let go of her. On the contrary, they had if possible only grown stronger with time. She had managed to live by some new rules to keep her out of trouble though: No touching, no flirting, no alcohol. Their friendship felt immensely bittersweet, and in her room by herself she would almost every night bring her vivid fantasies to bed, touching herself, sucking her fingers, riding the image of Julian until she came undone. It had almost become addictive to her in order for her to sleep, but it would also quite often make her cry from loneliness and frustration afterwards.

Then one afternoon, in the library with Julian, she was informed by a palace servant, she had a personal visitor. Julian looked just as curious as she was. It was the first time any of them had had “personal visitors” asking for them.

Saghira looked at Julian. “Do you mind if I take the rest of the day off?” 

He waved a hand. “No, by no means. You deserve some time off. Hope it’s a pleasant visit. Enjoy it!”

She picked up her things and smiled at him. “See you tomorrow then. Have a good night.”

She had a faint idea who it might be, but she would also be puzzled if she was correct. And she was. In the entrance hall Asra stood waiting, tanned and healthy. A halo of white, curly hair reflecting the backlight made him look almost godlike. She exhaled in awe and anxiety all at once. Why had he come to the Palace? She suddenly felt a huge relief over Julian not coming with her. But Nadia was there, being her usual talkative self, obviously mesmerised by Asra’s presence. 

When Asra spotted Saghira, he immediately stopped talking to Nadia. He didn’t say anything to Saghira either at first, and it looked as if he was unprepared seeing her.

Getting closer to him she could spot the vulnerability in his lavender eyes. Had he come to make amends? 

Nadia was blind to the tension in the room and kept on talking overly enthusiastic and friendly. 

Oh, they should feel free to use any part of her estate, Asra could stay for supper if he wanted to, and she even invited him to stay the night while she was at it. Saghira felt uncomfortable, and luckily Asra declined her invitation claiming he had brought food for a quiet picnic with Saghira outside. If they could use the garden he would be delighted. “By all means!” Nadia insisted, and was obviously pleased to accommodate the ethereal looking traveller.

Saghira silently guided Asra to a secluded part of the garden where she had sometimes withdrawn to herself to have some peace of heart and mind. She felt the same pressure inside her chest right now too. She couldn’t quite tell if she was upset or nervous or even excited. She hadn’t seen Asra for months, and to tell the truth he hadn’t been on her mind that much either. 

As they sat down in the warm grass, the sun casting long shadows, Asra spoke in his first longer sentences.

“I know I should probably have warned you before my arrival. It wasn’t my intention to interrupt your... work, or arrive as some jack-in-the-box to throw you off.” He searched her face for any trace of emotions. So far Saghira had her guard up, and did pretty well hiding them.

“Oh, but I’m not... you know... unsettled by your presence, Asra.” She shrugged. “I’m happy you’re here. I’ve been wondering how you were.” 

Asra smiled bashfully, his lovely dimples appearing on both cheeks. Gosh, how beautiful he was. She had almost forgotten how flawless and angelic he looked. It still didn’t stir her heart too much though. The love and admiration she felt was strangely platonic. Even looking at his tanned chest now and remembering breathing heavily against it, their love relationship felt distant and unreal.

“Good, Hira. I’m glad to hear you’ve thought about me sometimes.” He studied her intensely. “I’ve thought about you a lot.”

He clearly remembered his picnic basket at this point, and started arranging the content with Saghira’s assistance. The conversation didn’t flow effortlessly, but Asra probably wanted more than anything to have this seem like a regular day, eight months ago.

“Wine?” Asra offered, holding a glass in one hand, a bottle in the other. A fleeting notification of her strict rules passed her mind, but she figured this was an exception. Julian wasn’t even here.

“Absolutely!” She tried to sound enthusiastic. “Thank you!”

She accepted the glass, and stretched her legs out on the blanket. The blanket actually made her more nostalgic than Asra. A small sting of homesickness struck her. She missed her shop. 

“So,” Asra started, “Tell me how things are working out for you?” He paused. “Are you... having progress with your studies?”

Saghira wasn’t overwhelmingly inspired to have this conversation with him, knowing his resentment towards medical practice in general.

“I guess... not really,” she answered frankly. “But then I’m not sure the studies are my main goal.” Saghira shifted. “I just feel blessed and fulfilled trying to help others. There’s so many people dying, Asra. And the amount of weekly deaths still increases. The mortuary in the basement...” she swallowed. “Doctors are losing their humanity working there. And yet...” Saghira wanted to praise Julian and their well functioning cooperation, partly to punish Asra, but also because Julian deserved it. 

She managed to smile through the grave subject. “I’m more fulfilled.” 

Asra’s face got insecure, a slight blush appeared. He swallowed and looked into his basket again. Without commenting on Saghira’s answer, he pulled out a freshly baked pumpkin loaf in brown paper.

“Are you hungry?” He continued pulling out more foods; fruits, boiled eggs, tomatoes, herbs, oil and pastes.

It became clear to Saghira that Asra had come to make peace, and food was the bargain goods. But what did he really want?

“I’m actually starving,” she said, and felt genuinely grateful. Asra had always known how to please her.

They ate and drank for a long while, mostly talking about the shop and old times. He seemed to run the shop pretty well on his own, but he didn’t deny that he would sometimes close it to go travelling. 

She tried to ask him about his travels, but he got all mystical and secretive about them as usual. It was enough to irk her again. 

“So, are there any new people in your life?” she finally asked him. She knew the wine had made her bold. To be honest she didn’t think the answer would affect her much.

Asra had laid down on his side flush with her outstretched legs. He touched the hem of her skirt, and played with the fabric between his fingertips.

“Ah, I don’t know.” He looked up at her. “There’s no one to replace you, if that’s what you mean.” He said it in a low fragile voice. 

“What do you mean, Asra?” She asked, half tired with his beating around the bush, half worried about his explanation.

“I miss you, Hira. I miss you more than I expected I would – I admit that. I’ve been waiting for the feeling to pass, and for some reason it just won’t.”

He was looking down at his caramel tonedhand twining her white skirt around his fingers.

“I’m sorry I didn’t...” his voice had almost become a whisper, “I’m sorry I didn’t realise how much you meant to me before it was too late.”

He looked up at her, surprisingly calm.

Saghira let his words sink in. They affected her surprisingly little, and felt more consoling than upsetting. 

“Thank you,” she held his gaze. “I’m grateful that you’re giving me an apology. I’m sorry too.”

A small shiver passed over Asra’s otherwise relaxed face, and he looked away again. For a few seconds they stayed in silence, listening to birds and their own breathing.

Asra sat up looking at her over his shoulder. “How is the Doctor?”

So there, he finally found the courage to bring up what was really on his mind. Saghira felt a small jolt of anxiety at Asra’s confrontational question. She took a pause to think.

“You know what he’s like, Asra. You probably know him better than me.” 

She regretted the insinuation that Asra and Julian had been closer that she and Julian had ever been. She would’ve preferred that Asra stayed jealous a bit longer. Let him taste what she had struggled with their whole relationship. Instead she was the one sounding bitter and jealous again.

Asra turned towards her, legs crossed. “That’s why I’m worried for you, darling.” He looked straight at her without any trace of shame or regret. “I want you to please come home with me, Hira. Julian... he can corrupt the devil with his infectious love for life, his indomitable passion for everything he does and his generous and extravagant lifestyle.” Asra’s voice was inexplicably filled with disgust. “He sucks people in, makes them feel special, just long enough for him to drain them of everything that interests him, and then he’ll dump them mercilessly when he’s done. There’s no way to love that man without being hurt. He will consume you!” Asra was unusually flustered and agitated.

Saghira felt shocked over the unrecognisable description of Julian. She felt angry with Asra, but also vulnerable and deeply hurt. 

“Please, Hira.” Asra calmed down. “I know I’m not perfect. I know it’s not a perfect fit perhaps, but I do love you. I do! Isn’t that what it’s all about? I... I will try to change, to be a better person. For you. I’ll do anything for you.”

Tears were already filling up Saghira’s eyes, and her voice was too strained for her to talk. As tears ran down her face, she couldn’t hold back the sob any longer, and she hid her face crying into her hands.

The sun was about to go down, and Asra looked more golden and radiant than ever. He was quietly crying too now. He got up on his knees and carefully pulled her into his lap, Saghira’s head against his shoulder. 

The smell of him was so familiar. It smelled of herbs, of home. Part of her still wanted to kick and scream, tell him to go away, leave her alone, but the closeness felt too good. She had craved it for months now.

When finally calmed down, still resting against his body, she realised his caresses and sweet kisses to her forehead suddenly rubbed her the wrong way. It occurred to her that she yet again had been convinced to make a decision based on _his_ needs. Why was she even letting him comfort her? Wasn’t he the one causing her all this grief? Or was it Julian? Had Julian exploited her like Asra feared? Was this heartache she felt Julian’s doing?

Saghira sat up and moved away from Asra, clearing her face. “I need you to leave now, Asra,” she said in a low voice without looking at him. “I’m sorry but this is not doing me any good. We’re still going on about the same issues.” She sighed and threw an arm out towards him. “I don’t want you to change. I love you as a friend just the way you are, but unfortunately it’s not what I need. And it’s not what _you_ need. It’s just a terrible match. You’d hate yourself if you had to adapt to my needs. I know this. Remember?”

She looked at his sorrowful face. It pained her more than anything right now. His struggles were evident, and he shook his head in defeat. “He’s already gotten to you, hasn’t he?”

Saghira felt a building rage at Asra’s refusal to understand. “Julian has nothing to do with this! He’s not even how you describe him! Julian is psychologically about to go under trying to keep the plague under control, and you talk as if he’s this exploiting sociopath? Do you even know what that does to me? To me feelings for you? You’re delusional, Asra! You’re a brilliant magician, and a wonderful friend, but my god you’re so self-centred sometimes! What has Julian ever done to you to make you this bitter?”

She got up and started packing Asra’s things rapidly in anger. Asra got up too, not saying a word, filling the basket with leftovers.

When they were done, he dared speak: “You’re doing a terrible mistake, Hira. I could make you happy. I know I could. But I cannot force you to love me.” He looked down. “You know where to find me when this... thing... is over.” 

He stood in front of her, quickly leaning in to kiss her goodbye. She was lost for words. “Here, keep the open bottle.” He gave her the rest of the wine, studied her one last time and left. It was getting dark and he soon disappeared between the black trees.

  
  
Saghira sat down with the bottle in her hand. She could finally release the tension of overwhelming grief and loneliness and frustration, crying loudly into her folded arms on her knees. Why had life become so complicated after she thought she had done the right thing.

“Hira, sweetheart?” 

Julian’s soft, deep voice behind her made her swear out loud.

“For fucks sake, Julian! What are you doing here?”

Julian’s tall dark form was towering over her, Malek sitting on his shoulder.


	5. Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saghira finally finds peace, and the Arcana novel takes the story further.
> 
> (Warning: This chapter should’ve probably been rated as explicit.)

Julian sat down beside her, causing Malek to take off into the trees above them. Julian’s face was still visible in the dusk, and the flat, golden light made his face look even more stunning than usual. He looked concerned as she got a closer look at him. 

“Are you sharing?” He cast a glance at the half full bottle.

Considering it briefly, she sniffed before handing it over to him. “By all means. I’m... done.” She discreetly tried to dry her face up with her fingers, but the sore eyes were undoubtably giving her away no matter what she did.

Julian’s presence had a sobering effect on her, but she was definitely breaking one of her three sworn rules now. Julian took a large sip from the bottle.

“How did you know I was here?” Saghira asked, bothered by the thought of Julian perhaps having witnessed the scene between Asra and herself. Surly he must have had.

Julian paused. “I... was... just guessing really.” He paused a bit. “No, honestly I’ve seen you come here by yourself quite a few times. From my window. In my room.” He beaconed his arm in the direction of the Palace and blushed. 

“I... I was... worried about you.” His face turned a deep red remarkably fast as he looked at her again with his big, pale grey eyes.

“Right...” She had to think twice if this was good or bad news. He’d been watching her. And he had worried about her. 

“Then I hope I’ve at least behaved normal most times you’ve observed me.” She sighed. “This time was definitely not one of them. What a disaster...”

She looked up at Julian again, wondering if he knew what she was on about, and he still seemed worried although he broke a wry smile. Why did he have to be this pretty and nice and close and unachievable all at once?

A sickening feeling came over her by the thought of Asra having left the way he did. “I think I’ve lost my best friend, Julian. I told him to leave, and he did.” Still resting her elbows on her knees, with her head in one hand, she started crying again. “Why... is this always happening to me?” 

“I saw that, honey. I’m so sorry. I...” Julian paused, and took a deep shivering breath. “Do you love him?”

Saghira looked back shocked at him. “What? No! Well, yes, of course, but just as a friend, you know.” She was glad to have made that clear. “But I will miss him dearly as a friend. See, I’m not like him, someone who will easily make friends anywhere. I can’t afford to lose friends!” Snot and tears running down her face was making her self conscious and she almost wished Julian would leave her alone at this point. Drunk and pathetic surly had to be the most unattractive look on her.

Instead he scooted in closer to her side, putting an comforting arm around her shoulders. 

“You’ll be okay, sweetheart. I’m sure when you see him again, you’ll work it out.” 

She thankfully rested her head against his chest, and realised she just broke another rule. But it felt so good, she wished she could go to sleep like this. She felt ridiculously tiny, but also sheltered beside him.

“And you still have me, Hira. I hope I qualify as a friend.” Julian’s thumb drew small invisible circles on her bare shoulder.

Saghira looked up at him through her tears. “I almost ruined that friendship too once, remember?”

“No, you did not,” he objected in a deep serious voice. “You could never lose me as a friend. Besides, that whole ordeal was my fault. I regret that.”

She searched his face, trying to figure out what he meant.

“What exactly do you regret,” she asked curiously.

Julian swallowed nervously. “That I was a coward,” he said in a thick, hoarse voice.

Saghira heard the words, but couldn’t quite fathom the meaning of them. What was it he had done exactly, that could be considered cowardly? Wasn’t the problem what he hadn’t done anything, that he had politely turned her down? Did he perhaps regret not taking her up on her offer despite his obvious misgivings at the time? The alcohol made it hard to follow her own reasoning. She turned her gaze down and studied Julian’s naked, lean, muscled forearm under his folded sleeve. It rested on his knee, just like hers, and his big hand was dangling from the wrist in front of her face. Without thinking she opened her own hand, and stroke his palm so delicately with her fingertips she could hardly tell if she was actually touching it or not. Then she absentmindedly caressed his impressively long, pale fingers with her own small, tanned ones. These were the most hard working hands she knew, and yet they were so perfect. Touching them like this made her peaceful.

After zoning out for a little while, dwelling on these drunken thoughts, she suddenly looked up at him again to see what was on his mind. His gorgeous eyes were filled with withheld passion.

She didn’t manage to say more before Julian’s mouth was on hers, his hand held hard onto her jaw. His throat slipped out a weak whimper as she instinctively melted into him, opening her mouth up for him to let his tongue in. She felt too confused to analyse what had really happened. All she knew was that her prayers had been heard.

Without breaking contact she slowly got up on her knees and straddled his lap. Standing on her knees, she was tall enough to tilt his head backwards, holding it firmly between her hands, while deepening the kiss. She was moaning sweetly, tasting his mouth as if it was the most delicious dessert. It tasted wine. Goodness, how had it finally come to this? He wanted her anyway, he really wanted her.

When pulling away for air, she felt the most intense lust in her core. They were both firmly holding on to each other’s faces. Julian eyes sparkled in the dim light, the sound of his heavy breathing, and the sight of his glistening mouth stirred her on. He was pulling on her to have her mouth on his again, staring hungry at it, licking his lips.

“Let me kiss you again, love. Please.” Julian seemed too eager to be able to wait. The kiss that followed was almost brutal. Hard, wet, tongues gliding against each other, teeth crashing, hands clutching and tugging on hair and necks.

Julian let his mouth go of hers, and continued down her neck with his tongue and teeth, sucking, licking, nibbling her flesh. She was shamelessly making lewd noises, thrusting her pelvis against nothing, painfully longing for friction. 

She could hear Julian silently moan her name while he with one hand pulled the top of her dress down so hard he probably ripped a seam. One of her breasts was out, she could feel the cool air on it. She gasped at the sensation and watched Julian seek out her nipple with his mouth, bending her body backwards. 

The sensation of his impatient, hot, wet mouth on her made her want to scream. She wanted to break free and undress them both in a frenzy, but he was holding her in such a firm grip she could hardly move. He sucked and licked her nipple, making her moan louder than she intended, and her hand automatically travelled down to her crouch to give herself some release. 

Julian grabbed the hand and placed it on her back. “No, not yet, darling. You must wait.” He looked at her with a seductive grin. 

He kissed her neck again, caressing her naked breast with one hand, seeking her mouth with his one more time, still pinning her arm behind her back. “Please tell me you want it. Say you still want me, Hira,” he mumbled against her mouth.

“I want you,” Saghira gasped. “I’ve always wanted you. I... “ She wanted to say more, but didn’t dare, afraid to make another disastrous mistake.

Julian laid down with Saghira on top, struggling to unbutton her dress at the back. As it finally opened, he sighed content and rolled her over on her back, feeling her bare breasts, kissing them gently, praising her beauty.

Saghira meanwhile started unbuttoning Julian’s jacket, eager to have his skin on hers. It came off in a fierce and sloppy manner, and she flipped him over on his back again. She could hear herself whimper with impatience. Underneath was his infamous white undershirt, the one that had kept her pining in the library for far too long. She slowly pulled it out of his pants, watching his already flushed face go red with anticipation and want. He swallowed and jerked with a yelp as her hand slipped underneath the hem of his shirt.

“I’m ticklish..” he chuckled, still letting her feel his cool skin and short hairs over his firm abdomen.

She smiled at his adorable reaction, placed one leg over his, and worked her fingers up his long torso while he was still on his back, arching against her to increase the pressure on him. As she reached his broad chest, Julian’s face changed expression. He was so turned on he was clenching his teeth with his eyes closed. Tracing down his tense body with her eyes, she caught his hips bucking upwards into nothing, and a large bulge at the front of his pants. The sight made her dizzy with lust.

“Julian,” she whispered, “You’re so damn beautiful, did you know that?”

He didn’t open his eyes, but his body shivered and he grabbed her hand and kissed it. He then boldly led it down to his crotch and pressed it against his stone hard erection underneath the woollen fabric of his pants. He bucked his hips into her hand and moaned. He was exceptionally large, and Saghira felt her her sex clench and swell by the feel of it.

“Can you feel that? How much I want you, Hira?” he gasped. He shook his head against the green grass. “I wanted you like this at the tavern too. I’ve wanted you ever since. Can you believe that?”

He looked up at her still flustered and agonised. He removed her hand from himself and braided his fingers with hers instead, bringing them up to his chest. “I’ve been beating myself up over those moronic things I said that night every day since then. You have no idea how sorry I am. I just got so scared a love affair would ruin our work and professional relationship.” He reached out his other hand to braid his fingers into her hair.

Saghira let go of his hand and covered his mouth with hers once again, kissing him slow and sloppy. If she could only find the right words to tell him how much this apology meant to her and how forgiven he was. She pressed her groin against his thigh.

“Besides,” Julian continued once they parted again, “You’re still... you know... young. I wasn’t sure if you knew what you really wanted. If you knew what you were getting yourself into with me.”

Saghira pulled away and looked appalled at him. “You patronising...silly... idiot! What are you talking about?” She touched her bare chest. “I’m a grownup! I’ve been taking care of myself for the last three years. You’re not my bloody babysitter!”

Julian’s eyes got big and panicky. “No, no, darling! I know! I’m sorry! I mean... I would just... Hira, I... I would rather die than hurt you. I’ve hurt people before, and...”

Saghira narrowed her eyes at him, daring him to mention the unmentionable againg, and Julian, in a panic, reached for her nape to unsuccessfully pull her in for another kiss, drawing her forehead to his instead. “Please, darling, don’t get upset. I don’t want to fight. I’m an idiot. I say stupid things. Bottom line is... I... I...” Julian looked genuinely scared, roaming her face, searching his mind for the right words. “I love you,” he finally declared, insecure and whispery,” and it seems impossible for me to stop it.”

These words gave Saghira an adrenaline boost like she’d never felt before. She found it hard to believe him, and yet there was nothing she wanted to believe more. A lump was building up in her throat, and her lip startled trembling.

Julian went on with his open hearted confessions. “I knew it had to be Asra visiting you earlier today.” Julian’s voice was a mere trembling whisper. “I can’t even begin to explain how frightened that got me. I was certain I had lost you to him by the end of the day. Right up until I heard you quarrel and saw him leave without you.” Julian covered his face with one hand and she noticed he discretely wiped the corner of his eye with his thumb although he was smiling bravely. “That’s when I decided to tell you the truth no matter what, and so here it is: I love you, Hira.” He shrugged, looking vulnerable and frail. His hand was still resting on her nape, caressing it. “It might be wrong, it might be unfortunate and it might be a little too late to tell you this now.”

Lost for words, she gave in and kissed him deeply again. She lifted his shirt up, and switched her mouth over to his naked chest while she continued bringing the shirt over his head. As he got rid of it, she laid down heavily on him with her full breasts against his hairy stomach, her legs between his, kissing his chest, letting her tongue taste him, carefully sucking and biting into his flesh. The musky scent of him felt more intoxicating than the wine. The arousal was about to release all inhibitions.

Julian wrapped his hand into her messy hair, and she could feel him holding his breath in suspense. As she reached his collarbone with her mouth, he pressed his pelvis up against her groin, and she felt his hard member twitch. 

Julian frantically pulled her skirts up, letting his fingers slip underneath her undergarments and over her soft bum. She cried out from the sensation of his fingertips on her slit, and uncontrollably started moving against them. 

He opened her up with his fingers sliding back and forth at a slow steady pace. Julian whimpered again, rhythmically moving his pelvis against her. “My darling, you’re so wet... and ready.” He carefully slipped a finger inside her and she couldn’t help a loud moan of pleasure. She rocked against his hand fucking his finger shamelessly. When opening her eyes Julian’s was intensely staring at her face biting his lip aggressively. He slipped in another finger and she increased the pace a bit, clenching around them, rubbing her breast against him, moaning Julian’s name. “Ah, I need more. I want more, Julian. I want you inside me. Please.”

Julian sat up as if on command, lifting Saghira up to have her sitting across his lap. His hot face was twitching with uncontrollable needs. He made space between them in order for him to unbutton his pants and let himself out. Saghira watched him with anticipation as he brought out his large, swollen, pink cock. He stroked it slowly a couple of times before Saghira took over stroking it for him.

He leaned back in the grass to relax, and closed his eyes to take in the pure bliss of her hand on him. His breathing got louder and more irregular. 

Saghira laid down on her stomach on the grass between his legs, and without a warning enveloped his cock with her mouth, as far as it went, and started sucking him in long, slow strokes. Julian cried out from the shock. She could hear him mumbling something in his native tongue, her name mixed in there with it. He caressed the back of her head and nape, playing with her hair, whispering sweet words as she moved firmly up and down his shaft with both hands and her mouth. Long strokes from the base to the tip. Looking up at him he was covering his eyes with his forearm. Julian’s groans grew stronger, his hips moving fiercely against her. She could tell he was about to come, but she didn’t want that to happen just yet. 

As she let her mouth off his cock with a popping sound, he seemed to go wild. He quickly got up on his knees, lifted Saghira up as if she weighed nothing, kissing her mouth with erratic force, pressing her against himself rubbing his member against her thigh.

“What are you doing to me, Hira?” he panted between kisses. “I need to come inside you. Please darling.” He was groping her ass with both hands. “I can’t take it...” His throat was still making little sounds of frustration, and Saghira realised how much she loved those.

She slipped a hand down to feel her own sex, and it was a wet, sticky mess of slick. She took Julian’s hand and led it down under her skirts to have him feel her the same way. “Feel how ready I am for you, Julian? I’m all yours,” she whispered seductively.

It obviously affected him more than she had imagined it would. In a split second he had turned her around with her back against his stomach. He had one hand pressed against her clit, massaging it with his fingers, the other arm around her shoulders kneading her full breast. 

His lips were touching her ear as he whispered: “I’ll be so good to you, Hira. I’ll take care of you. I love you so much.”

It sent off a whole battery of emotions through Saghira’s body. He then struggled a bit to enter her because of the height difference, but as he finally pushed himself slowly all the way into her channel, he laid down on his back again, Saghira followed, stuck with her back to his body, her shins against the cool grass on each side of Julian’s thighs, her ass rubbing against his hips, his cock sliding in and out while his hand was still working her swollen clit. The pressure inside her felt extreme, and it hit all the right spots. She felt slick and precum run down her cleft, and instantly so close to an orgasm she lost control of herself. She cried out and rode Julian’s cock fast and hard with her abdomen arched towards the dark blue, starry sky, his hand pacing over her sensitive bud making her shiver with almost painful pleasure. She was about to reach the edge. She could feel it building up with every thrust. The hand he had kept clutched to her right breast, moved up to feel her face and she took his thumb in her mouth, sucking it through her orgasm. Her muffled cries broke the silent, cool evening air as she spasmed against his warm body, and Julian held her tight for as long as it lasted.

As Saghira went limp Julian swore, and turned his thrusting up a notch, before moaning out loud, spilling into her with great force. He flipped them over to the side, still jerking irregular and uncontrollably into her while curling himself around her, almost covering her with his large body. 

The smell of grass and Julian’s skin would probably forever be her most memorable thing from now on. It filled her with a ridiculous happiness knowing he loved her. Julian was kissing her head, stroking her skin. “Thank you, my love.” He whispered and hugged her hard, his spent cock still inside her.

Saghira entwined her fingers with his again, studying the hand that had just given her so much pleasure. She let Julian slip out of her as she turned to face him. His amazingly wild hair made her giggle. Mixed with straws he reminded her of a scarecrow. She stroke his face affectionately and smiled. “I love you too, Julian. Surly you know that by now.”

They stayed in the grass for a good while, just holding each other, kissing and having silly chatter. As they got dressed and picked up their things, they decided to return to the Palace, not revealing their new relationship to anyone. It would only jeopardise their work environment. None of them would want that. And wouldn’t a little secrecy only add some excitement to their affair? 

They kissed again outside the Palace’ main entrance. One last kiss, he decided. They would have to withdraw to their separate rooms and wait for the pleasure of seeing each other until the morning in the library. Julian was very determined. “No silly ideas now, my love. We both need the sleep. Okay?” 

Saghira liked his little attempt at being the responsible one. She stole another kiss just as they were about to come out from their hiding place behind a tree, making him shake his head at her as usual.

  
***

Back in her room Saghira was too excited to sleep. She knew she had just turned a page in her life, and she couldn’t wait to see what would happen from here. All the pain and agony was finally worth it. There was a purpose in her life. There was a soulmate. 

The whole night went by tossing and turning, reliving every blissful moment of the love they’d made and the words they’d spoken. She both giggled and cried over the night, embarrassed by her own memories.

As she got up way too early, hardly having slept at all, she went to the bathroom to clean herself up. She felt strangely unwell even with the wine and bad sleep taken into account. Dizziness made it hard to stand, and her head was aching way more than usual after a bit too much wine. Still it was the only reasonable explanation. She went over to the mirror and startled by the looks of herself. She seemed unusually pale, her eyes still red from all the crying yesterday. They felt warm and painful. How on earth could her eyes still be sore? 

She stumbled into bed again realising she was too hung over to attend work just yet. Just the thought of food made her almost vomit. She could picture Julian getting very disappointed if she didn’t show up early, but he would probably also understand. She laid down again, drew the sheets over herself, worried about how insanely cold she felt underneath them. Curled into a ball, imagining Julian laying behind her, warming her up with his long, lean body, whispering love declarations into her ear, she finally felt herself drift off into sleep.


End file.
